Tonight I am being haunted, tormented by the hardest words I have ever had to force out of my mouth. Now I sit here writing this in tears with very much the same feeling that I had when I had to say them the first time. To make it worse, the audience to these words were my 7 and 9-year-old boys. As much as I tried to stay strong through the pain of saying them, I ended up saying them sobbing and in tears.
These words are echoing through my brain over and over again tonight. I cannot drown them out no matter what I do. They just constantly run past, like they are trying to drive me to insanity.
On the morning of September 24, I had to get both of my boys to sit on the couch. I sat on the coffee table in front of them. I talked to them very seriously, as calmly as I could. I pushed back tears as I prepared myself for the conversation. I had to eat every emotion that I had burning on the inside. I had to maintain as much of their innocence through the situation as I possibly could.
I honestly do not remember everything that I said. It started with “We all know that Chaney ate something that was very bad for her.” and honestly, I have no idea after what words I mumbled as I began to tear up.
I know the words that I ended it with, though. The words I ended it with are the words that are preying upon me so much now that my entire body is in pain. I looked at my boys faces and muttered these words. I watched as they took them in and watched as their hearts just melted away into nothingness. They along with me were walking into a vast empty void. We sat in metaphorical darkness for the rest of the week. I made them sleep in my bed. Every hour I would wake up and check on them, usually waking them up in the process. Haunted by those words, and traumatized by the morning of September 22. I will never forget that morning; the morning that I told them these words. We retreated to my bedroom and pretty much stayed there all day long. All three of us in sheer agony. All three of us crying.
I will never forget the day, and I will never forget the words.
“I don’t think she will ever come home. I don’t think my little girl will never come home.”
… and she never did.