So it has been six months since you left us and it still does not seem real. Every time I walk past your bedroom, I turn my head to the left to see if you are there. That is kind of my new normal. There are so many things that I miss from this house without you being here. The awful smell of caramelizing mushrooms, the messes you would make in the kitchen, the constant sound of your baritone, your habit of losing hairbrushes making everyone leave the house almost every day with messy hair, Powerade bottles all over your bedroom, the hair dye all over the bathroom, the constant laughing over nothing, your head on my shoulder while I worked, the random use of the word “taco“, and the smile — everything is different.
My life has changed so much that it does not make sense. I am driven to do something to keep your name coming from people’s mouths, hopefully beyond my own time on this planet. I don’t eat the same things. I don’t drink the same things. I have hardly had any soda or teas at all… it has been replaced with iced coffee. I have not played a game on the computer since September 22. The one time I had friends that wanted to play a game, it was Seven Days to Die… which was the game you and I played together the most. I tried… I just could not do it. The music I listen to has changed; I started with two songs. I am now up to a playlist of 31 songs while I work. Morgan told me another of your favorite songs, so it is getting added to that list soon.
Things are intolerable. Life is unbearable yet I have to get up every morning and just keep moving forward. All I want right now is for the rest of the world to stop and give me time, but it just refuses. To be honest, though, no amount of time will repair any of this.
We are learning as we go, and going as we learn. Sometimes things feel like they are stabilizing. At the six month mark, however, things just feel as shaky as they were on day one. We are planning stages of our first event.
May 1, 2016, we are teaming up with several churches to hold a Family Fun day. That is the start of National Children’s Mental Health Awareness Week. I am hoping we can come up with more things to do throughout the week to kind of keep the momentum going. More details on that will be forthcoming. We are doing a fund-raiser right now so we can get some things that we will need for that day. We are really pushing hard right now to raise funds for this, the low-end estimate is around 450 people, but it is expected to go considerably higher. My camera is ready! I have a lot of prep work to do between now and then.
If you can donate, please do. If you can’t… check out the Rise Against STIGMA & SUICIDE project and buy a song or painting.