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My Inner Burden

We have all heard of sayings or idioms with these words:

“You are my rock”

“Set in stone”

“Rock bottom”

“Stone dead”

“On the rocks”

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”

My Inner Burden

My Inner Burden

Since Chaney passed away, I have had many stones that have weighted me down. Here are the stones that I still can not let go of.  I have been able to toss some stones away from myself, but some remain.

  1. I miss my daughter every moment since she left me. I can’t get this pit out of my stomach. She loved me. She always knew that I worked hard to give her what she needed and wanted. I miss her voice. I miss the smell of her hair and the wonderful hugs she gave me.  She is my first love, and my only daughter.
  2. A deep depression has taken over my heart. I never thought that I would outlive one of my children. I certainly never thought I would lose one to suicide. This isn’t a normal depression. I have PTSD. So many things can send me into tears.
  3. I am a logical person. I know in my mind that it is not my fault that she is gone but my heart tells me another story. A mother should always protect her children. How could I not notice? How can I make my heart understand that this isn’t my fault. I feel guilty that I survive and she does not.
  4. My heart is so broken. Nothing in my life is the same after September 23, 2015. How do you mend a broken heart that has been torn little pieces.
  5. Suicide took my baby away from me. I hate you suicide. I will fight you until my last breath. You will not take another person from me.

One by one, I will find my answer, and I will toss these stones into the Tennessee River. I will allow the water to wash away each of my stones, and the river will drag them down to the bottom where they belong.

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