My Inner Burden
We have all heard of sayings or idioms with these words:
“You are my rock”
“Set in stone”
“On the rocks”
“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”
Since Chaney passed away, I have had many stones that have weighted me down. Here are the stones that I still can not let go of. I have been able to toss some stones away from myself, but some remain.
- I miss my daughter every moment since she left me. I can’t get this pit out of my stomach. She loved me. She always knew that I worked hard to give her what she needed and wanted. I miss her voice. I miss the smell of her hair and the wonderful hugs she gave me. She is my first love, and my only daughter.
- A deep depression has taken over my heart. I never thought that I would outlive one of my children. I certainly never thought I would lose one to suicide. This isn’t a normal depression. I have PTSD. So many things can send me into tears.
- I am a logical person. I know in my mind that it is not my fault that she is gone but my heart tells me another story. A mother should always protect her children. How could I not notice? How can I make my heart understand that this isn’t my fault. I feel guilty that I survive and she does not.
- My heart is so broken. Nothing in my life is the same after September 23, 2015. How do you mend a broken heart that has been torn little pieces.
- Suicide took my baby away from me. I hate you suicide. I will fight you until my last breath. You will not take another person from me.
One by one, I will find my answer, and I will toss these stones into the Tennessee River. I will allow the water to wash away each of my stones, and the river will drag them down to the bottom where they belong.