This is not how life is supposed to be. I am not supposed to wake up at 3:30am to my 8-year-old standing there crying telling me that he misses Chaney, and that he is thinking of “that day over and over again” in his dreams. The picture at the top of this page is how he is supposed to be. Not like this… not like this…
He should not be explaining to me that if we all just talked about our problems when they were little to everybody we talked to, they would never become so big that they would hurt us.
I should not be telling him that he has problems that most kids his age could never imagine having, and I should not be telling him that if I could, I would take all of that hurt away from him and Brendan both and just hurt for them instead. I don’t think I could tolerate any more pain, especially what he just showed me, but I would take it in a split second if it meant that he did not have to feel it just like I would have taken it from her if I knew that it was there.
Things are just not supposed to work this way. My children are not supposed to feel this type of pain. She should not have had to deal with the pain and depression she was dealing with. As parents, we should not be dealing with this type of pain.
I already said I could not tolerate any more pain on top of what I already carry, but I swear I would take it from my wife and children if I could… I don’t care what the outcome for me would be. If it left them without emotional scarring and pain for her (or me)… I would just take it.
I have never felt so emotionally beaten down before. I want to help my children, and I want to help my wife. I want to take this from them, and there is nothing that I can do to help them. All I can do is make sure we stay in the counseling that I found with the help of a lot of good friends, and hope that one day things ease up.
I used to buy Chaney Care Bears all of the time. Not long ago (October I believe) we bought one from a thrift store in Georgia. I just talked to Morgan about it, and put him in bed with it. He did not want me to take it away, he wanted to hold it. I told him to make sure he holds it tight, but it definitely was not doing anything to calm him down.
This is just not how life is supposed to be.